posted 17 July 2002 12:37 PM            

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Rogers Profanisaurus:

BOBFOC - Body Off Baywatch, Face off Crimewatch

(alternatively, Gilbert Ratchet being asked to help out at the big top by a middle aged lady because "I've sprained my wrist punching fuck out of this baby chimp")

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posted 17 July 2002 12:46 PM         

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Finbar Saunders riding a motorbike called an Ichifanni 500.

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posted 17 July 2002 12:46 PM            

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Eminem-mis the Menace - "Haw haw - I chopped the legs off the muthafuckin' chair"

...and of course "Up the Arse Corner"

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posted 17 July 2002 12:54 PM            

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The Three Chairs - issue 39 I think. All downhill from there.

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posted 17 July 2002 01:02 PM            

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Top Tips normally do it for me.

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posted 17 July 2002 01:10 PM            

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Can't choose between Roger Mellie on the Weakest Link...

"Roger, you musn't be so friendly with the contestants."
"Righto. This bastard's called Phillip and he lives in a shithole called Manchester. And what the fuck do you think you're looking at?"

...or Sid the Sexist being faced with the perils of AIDS.

"How man, you've gorra wear a blob!"
"Anyways, I cannat have it coz I haven't shagged any lasses."
"Eh?"
"Fuck."

Special mention should go to the letter which went as follows:

"I like to think myself as a bit of a hard case and can put myself about a bit. Would any of your readers fancy a fight?"

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posted 17 July 2002 01:12 PM            

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Ravey Davey Gravy. Sadly missed...

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posted 17 July 2002 01:16 PM            

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from the letters page:
I happened to mention to my wife that I'd like a nice rubber plant for my birthday. Imagine my surprise on the big day when she handed me the deeds to the local Dunlop factory.

Famous people on the toilet.

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posted 17 July 2002 01:46 PM            

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Paul Whicker - the tall vicar.

It's been downhill since his demise.

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posted 17 July 2002 02:08 PM            

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Spoilt Bastard asking if he could sleep in his Mum's Bed because he had wet the bed.

"Of course dearest..."
"Well get out then you fat selfish cow."

She slept in the bath

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posted 17 July 2002 02:50 PM            

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The letters page was always the highlight for me:-

'I don't think the letters on your letters page are genuine. I think you make them up.

In fact you probably made this one up.'

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posted 17 July 2002 02:53 PM            

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Roger Irrelevant "wibble!"

and an old favourite

Major Misunderstanding "I don't want any of your lucky heather!"

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posted 17 July 2002 03:27 PM         

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Pathetic Sharks. "Eurgh, this jam's got seeds in it"

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posted 17 July 2002 03:31 PM         

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Haven't read it for ten years and now I know they've got rid of Paul Wicker Tall Vicar, I won't be reading it for another ten

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posted 17 July 2002 03:45 PM            

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but Soup! You've missed
The Vibrating Bum-Faced Goats!

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posted 17 July 2002 04:45 PM            

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Has to be the Thieving Gypsy B******s. They got into lots of trouble for that one.

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posted 17 July 2002 05:36 PM         

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Next week - the gypsies tax their car

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posted 17 July 2002 05:37 PM         

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Pathetic Sharks - Eeyuk, this water's all salty . . .

and

Rude Kid

Mother: "C'mon darling, we're off to the shops"
RK: "Hairy ringpiece"

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posted 17 July 2002 05:49 PM            

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Roger Mellie reviewing a car on "Top Gear":
"This baby goes like shit off a shiny shovel - it's a real c**t magnet!"

Haven't read it for years.

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posted 17 July 2002 06:29 PM         

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Farmer Giles & his piles - goes on his hols, hires a pedalo and gets his piles caught in the chain.

Terry Fuckwitt.

Biffa Bacon.

Bought me first Viz in years recently, it was shite....

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posted 17 July 2002 06:53 PM            

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Off Top Tips - "Save money on buying a new telephone & address book - Simply take your local telephone directory & cross out the names of all the people you don't know"

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posted 17 July 2002 07:00 PM            

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FOX IN A BOX:
First Man: What's that?
Second Man: It's a baby fox.
First Man: What are you going to do with it?
Second Man: F*ck it & eat it.
Baby Fox: Eek!

Or Rude Kid:
"Piss up a f*ck stick!"/"Big dog's cock!"

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posted 17 July 2002 07:07 PM            

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Went to Leeds Poly in the early eighties, a couple of lads on my course had what must have been some of the first editions of VIZ that they used to bring up from Newcastle every couple of weeks, all the familiar characters were in, it was either four or eight pages.....wish I'd kept a couple of copies now.........

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posted 17 July 2002 07:20 PM            

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Battenburg cake cut into sixteen slices makes an excellent emergency chess board.

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posted 17 July 2002 07:22 PM            

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don't waste money on first class stamps.Send your letters second class but write them a day earlier.

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posted 17 July 2002 07:41 PM            

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Soil lasts much longer if you dip it in vinegar first.

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posted 17 July 2002 07:42 PM            

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Treat yourself on a birthday or special occasion by carrying a heavy chair around with you every where you go. When you get tired of carrying the chair you can sit down for a well earned rest.

Also Rodger Mellie on 'Tommorrows World' under the impression that he has to provide all the inventions,holding a Jack in a box with a boxing glove attatched "its a wanking machine"

Does anyone remember the adventures of 'Postman Plod' thems was good too.

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posted 17 July 2002 08:00 PM            

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Luckily we both saw the funny side.

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posted 17 July 2002 10:26 PM            

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Bertie Blunt
Playtime Fontayne
Zip O'Lightning ("I'm taking you in, Fuckflaps")
The Brown Bottle/Eight Ace
Garry Bushell the Bear
Mike's Monkey-spunk moped
Professor Pie-head (Any more pie-head)
Terry Fuckwitt ("Who nailed the furniture to the ceiling?")
Billy Bound, It's always his round.
Morris Day, Sexual Pervert
Tinribs
Big Vern ("No bastard coppa's gonna take me alive")
Radgee Wife
Doctor Poo
Mr Logic
Sid the Sexist - for the geordie ten-pint piss rule and the phrase "Nee trouble? More like a bastard!".

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posted 17 July 2002 10:34 PM            

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Couple of Paul Wicker quotes off the top of the head. Unfortunately cant remember all of the second.

"Frankly Mrs goatbag, you may disappear up your own arsehole if you so wish!"

".... dealt him a mighty tooth-loosening blow that would knock the very balls off a mighty elephant."

Still got some very old ones somewhere.

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posted 18 July 2002 11:10 AM            

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Tinribs!
"my name is barbie and I love you very much"

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posted 18 July 2002 12:13 PM            

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Terry Fuckwit:
"I'm on my uncle's farm milking the cows."

Cut to wide shot

Bride at wedding:
"No, you're not. You're at your cousins wedding and you've just wanked off the priest..."

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posted 18 July 2002 12:20 PM         

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letter;

Me & my mate watched a girl sunbathing yesterday. She was naked & laid face down. We sat for several hours but she never turned over.

Sadly we didn't see the fanny side.

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posted 18 July 2002 01:03 PM         

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I see everyone's tactful enough not to mention "Cockney Wanker"

Ah.

D'oh.

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posted 18 July 2002 01:15 PM         

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A small hole cut in your living room window will allow your canary to come and go as it pleases.

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posted 18 July 2002 02:33 PM            

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Lord Harpole, Rupali Restaurant, Curry Hell....anyone ever been there?

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posted 18 July 2002 05:27 PM         

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Raffles the Gentleman thug
"Promulgate the word Bunny,I'm the f*cking man"

Borderline Boilers - Your eyes say no, your nuts say go.

.and of course Top Tips
Normal Mars Bars make ideal fun size Mars Bars for giants. Fun size Mars Bars make ideal normal size Mars Bars for midgets

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posted 18 July 2002 06:02 PM            

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New Viz is out. Ravey Davey Gravy returns!

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posted 19 July 2002 09:07 AM         

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how we laughed all the way to the burns unit.

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posted 19 July 2002 08:55 PM         

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The return of Paul Whicker as a bus driver

Come on you old timers shake a f***ing leg!
I've got a date with a flagon of ale and a painted hussy

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