posted 15 April 2002 08:07 AM            

Magnus Magnusson, 83, esteemed Icelandic historian and former host of gruelling television quiz show, 'Catchphrase', begins Orkney's Walpurgo Day festivities each year by striking a ceremonial gong in the semi-ruined vault of Stronsey Abbey. As the sound reverberates and the sun begins to rise, Sky News weatherperson, Francis Wilson, 30, chants plaintively to the gods of wind and rain and three children from the Kirkwall Stage School perform a little dance. Later in the day, Magnus dons leather flying helmet and chainmail jodphurs and tours the island in a lime green Volkswagon Beetle dispensing cooked meats and cheese. No-one knows why.

Nobby Stiles ,77, the toothless little terrier at the heart of Englands 1966 World Cup success returned to a deserted Wembley stadium several hours after the hubbub had subsided, to remove a small square of turf for replanting later in his Moss Side tower block flower box. The horticultural souvenir proved invaluable many years later when an allergic reaction to a sesame seed bun caused all of Nobby’s hair to fall out and a barber pal au fait with modern hairdressing techniques was able to graft the historic grass onto the great man’s scalp. Nobby’s head has since hosted an annual invitational subbuteo tournament and the entry fees supplement his old age pension.

posted 15 April 2002 02:24 PM            

Stephen Gerrard, 35, the ever-present Liverpool and England midfielder, ascribes his robust good health to an aromatic herb he discovered on a pre-season tour to Bhutan. Though the Reds lost both games to a Buddhist priests XI thanks to a very controversial penalty decision and a disappointing artistic impression mark from the Welsh judge, Stephen found succour in long evening strolls around the giant stone temples. On his penultimate perambulation, Stephen stooped to smell a pretty maroon plant poking out of a crevice and a brief nose to leaf contact immediately banished a longstanding adenoidal complaint. Stephen brought home a cutting and, with the assistance of his Uncle Abu, 51, who works as a gardener for Kirkby council, now grows the herb in his potting shed and sprinkles a tiny portion on his muesli each morning.

Nigella Lawson, 46, the delicious food writer who, being a late sleeping child, realised that she was never going to get any mail to open unless she added 'la' to her christian name to differentiate herself from her father and seven brothers, was jetskiing through the Everglades last month en route to the World Souffle Championship in Key West where she was defending champion, when she clipped the humourous overlong shoe of a spectating clown and careered head over heels into the murky water. As several snapping alligators closed on Nigella and the abashed jester looked on helplessly, screaming, "She's dead!", the ever resourceful domestic goddess simply gave a short tug at a string attached to her turquoise wetsuit which then inflated rapidly into a helium filled ball and she floated up and away to safety. The tears of a clown were spared and Nigella went on to successfully defend her souffle crown with a new record score.

posted 15 April 2002 11:17 PM            

Geri Halliwell, 21, formerly Gingival Spice and now an enormous solo star in her own right, was unexpectedly revealed during a routine X-ray last month to be composed almost entirely of raspberry jam. However, Geri is determined that this unusual condition, thought to be the result of her mother, Honeybun, 39, consuming copious quantities of the conserve during pregnancy, will not affect her busy post-Spice humanitarian schedule and she is going ahead with a trip to Wallsend where she is expected to sing to an orphan. A renowned physiologist interviewed in 'Smash Hits' said that Geri's day to day routine need not change excessively though he counselled against long hot showers and an extended proximity to buttered scones.

David Ginola, 42, the elegant winger and shampoo salesperson, sneaked his poodle, Alphonse, into a qualifying race for last year's Greyhound Derby. Roared on by David and his team-mates from whatever club he was with at the time, Alphonse finished a creditable second and earned a place in the Walthamstow quarter-final. Tragically, Alphonse was killed and partly eaten by an escaped cheetah on the eve of the race and though David strapped the remains of his brave pet to a skateboard and rolled him onto the track, a routine veterinary inspection uncovered Alphonse's health problems and he was suspended pending a full medical examination.

posted 15 April 2002 11:43 PM            

Pele has an irrational fear of Belgium, this phobia dates back to his childhood where his evil father would tell stories that suggested all the inhabitants of this country wore lengthy moustaches in order to cover enormous fangs. According to Pele Belgium will never win the World cup.

posted 16 April 2002 12:45 AM            

Cilla Black, 37, the Queen of prime time light entertainment with her hugely popular dating game show, "Pets Win Prizes", has been co-opted onto a key governmental task force set up to encourage the citizens of her native Liverpool to run around in a frenzy, shouting and waving their arms. Those canny scousers have not, so far, been persuaded of the need for such action and it was thought that if Cilla gave a lead then other opinion formers may follow. Cilla has made two preliminary circuits of the city in a brightly painted lorry, bellowing through a loud hailer, but the most recent soundings suggest that a blanket pamphleting may be necessary.

Bob Carolgees, 64, whose rib-tickling repartee with his expectorating canine, Spit the Dog, was the undoubted highlight of the Three Tenors world cup concert at Italia '90, has fallen on hard times since those heady days. A period of heavy gambling and Fairy Liquid abuse saw him evicted, foam-mouthed, from his penthouse flat in Crouch End and later from a youth hostel on Bodmin Moor. Then, Spit had to be sold to finance a 20p yankee at Lingfield Park and Bob's attempts to honour bookings with a stand-in passport-sized photograph of his lovable sidekick were doomed to failure. Bob hit rock bottom when he woke up one day and found himself in Countdown's Dictionary Corner but the good news is that he is now on the way back with a new little pal, Retch the Racoon, a summer season at the Whitley Bay Lido and an ITV Digital special next Christmas.

posted 16 April 2002 07:54 AM            

Peter Mandelson, 34, the personable and punctilious Labour politician whose pointer, Pericles, was best of breed winner at the Kennilworth Kennel Club summer shows of 1996 and 1997, is a spy. But before you ring MI5 let me explain. Peter is in fact Honourary Grand Poobah of the UK I-Spy Society, the umbrella group that brings together kids and adults who spend their weekends seeking out things listed in their I-Spy guides and, once found, crossing them off with a satisfied flourish. The I-Spy guides cover a vast range of subject areas. Peter's first, presented to him at the age of eight by his grandfather and much loved former Home Secretary, Willie Whitelaw, was the I-Spy Book of Tugboats but living close to Tilbury docks he soon completed that and moved on to the I-Spy Book of Boots Perfume Counters. He still indulges - he is currently part way through the I-Spy Book of German Shepherds.

Roger Black, 54, Britain's legendary quarter-miler who last year ran in the Grand National dressed as Valerie Singleton and collected over thirteen kilos of manure for the Blue Peter garden, has become the first athlete since the late, great Lord Palmerston to receive the freedom of Bude. This honour, conferred on only eighteen men since the Cornish resort rose fully formed from the sea during the great squall of 1799, grants the recipient certain ancient rights and one important responsibility. In return for carefully delineated sexual favours and a freshly baked pastie on alternate weekdays, Roger must promise to be present each whitsuntide to open the town's renowned facial hair fair.

posted 16 April 2002 02:05 PM            

Bobby Charlton, 47, the much admired Manchester United and England inside forward whose blistering shooting kept an old man in a dinghy on the Manchester Ship Canal in gainful employment for over twenty years, has found a new crusade - to ensure that every nun passes her cycling proficiency test by the year 2005. This is no abstract goal; Bobby has bitter experience of the havoc that can be caused by an inadequately schooled sister let loose on a powerful twelve speed racer. One evening in 1999, Bobby was crossing the road to his hostel when out of the gloaming came a terrifying black and white apparition. Speeding towards him, legs akimbo and habit billowing in the wind, came a bicycling nun with an unquenchable need for speed and little or no knowledge of the highway code. Bobby was caught a glancing blow and tossed into a bush. As he climbed unsteadily to his feet and plucked the brambles from his corduroy windcheater a campaign was born.

Bill Clinton, 35, the wide eyed Arkansas innocent whose hope-filled, idealistic Presidency stumbled to a tragic end surrounded by smear and innuendo, is even busier now than when in office. The family greetings card company, deep frozen in a blind trust since his inauguration, has been thawed out and Bill has also taken on a travelling ambassadorial role with pastry giant Pilsbury where, dressed as their loveable dough boy, he tours supermarkets and encourages young housewives to taste his bread stick and his seasoned dough balls. On a personal note, Bill has recently acquired three acres of riverside meadow in Delaware where, when commercial duties allow, he intends to frolic and gambol like a new-born lamb.

posted 16 April 2002 04:02 PM            

Ben Johnson, 27, the speedy Canadian sprinter who tragically lost his Olympic title when a mandatory drugs test found traces of urine in his steroids, has finally put the athletics world firmly behind him. Ben joined the Mounties after his Seoul heartache and though he was originally deputed to a Toronto task force charged with chasing suspects down box strewn alleyways with an unexpectedly high fence at the end, his quickness of thought is now more highly prized than his quickness of feet. Ben is head of offender profiling in the serial crimes department, in which capacity he has put innumerable criminals behind bars, including an evil genius who stole eleven picnic hampers in Saskatoon disguised as a bear. Dressed in fluorescent yellow and riding a moose, Ben cuts a somewhat eccentric figure at the crime scene but his faultless clean up rate has recently earned him a Cadbury's Creme Egg from Prince Harry, 9.

Gordon Brown, 65, who'll no doubt delight us all tomorrow with his financial prestidigitation, has recently made a surprising journey which may hold a clue to his plans for the country's economic future. Gordon travelled by flying boat to a remote corner of Baffin Island where a small Innuit community have created what some economists believe to be the perfect amalgam of free market and state regulation. Of the hundred strong workforce, ten sit in a hut and discuss local affairs, sometimes issuing an edict which everyone ignores. They are financed by a ten per cent income tax on the other ninety who catch, skin and pack fish for a US frozen food concern. Social provision is nil since each family maintains a non-productive member of society (kids, the old and an alchoholic layabout called Mahoon, 44) on a rota basis. Reports indicate that Gordon came back intrigued, with a pensive air and a souvenir sealskin desk jotter.

posted 16 April 2002 05:41 PM            

Bram Stoker (currently deceased) was not, as originally believed, the creator of the vampire Count Dracula. The name Dracula was certainly an invention of the late Stoker but in his early transcripts the count took the form of a piano instructor from Rotherham. The great change in the character only came about due to a chance meeting with Mary Shelley in a coffe shop in Milton Keynes. The couple were at this point close friends so sat a while and chatted over a bagel, however upon leaving Stoker inadvertently picked up Shelley's satchel and not his own, the jottings he found therein inspired what we know today as the prince of darkness. Shelley's manual on piano teaching faired less well.

Black Country comedian and mother of three Leonardo DeCaprio is so tall all of the floors in his Wolverhampton based Castle had to specially lowered before he could move in. During the seven years it took to complete this work 'Leo' stayed in a bed and breakfast in nearby Tipton. Locals have no recollection of this.

posted 17 April 2002 06:19 AM            

George Best, 41, once the finest, most famous and fabled of all footballers and now the subtlest and most studious of Sky's somewhat silly squadron of soccer soothsayers, has unveiled ambitious plans to create a nationwide chain of 'folk pubs'. Combining the ambience of an old style saloon snug with a varied diet of colloquial music, George hopes to attract a lively clientele of pipe smoking men with dandruff-filled beards who wear predominately white fair isle sweaters and beige slacks. To give his venture every chance of success, George has promised to attend at least one of his establishments every night when he will sit in the hearth staring morosely into a half pint of real ale until his suede shoes catch fire.

Damon Hill, 48, who, through skill, determination and a letter of recommendation from Blue Peter producer, Biddy Baxter, 89, climbed the motor racing ladder from go-karts to the F1 World Championship, is spearheading an ambitious project to bring a Grand Prix to his native Budleigh Salterton. Damon's steering committee has raised over three hundred pounds from excited local traders and he has sketched out a circuit that takes in the council chamber, the memorial library and the cricket pavillion. A Formula One representative has visited the village to make a provisional assessment and, over a currant slice at Mrs. Fothergill's tea shop, patted Damon on the shoulder and confessed that he had never before seen such an interesting proposal. Damon, who somehow managed to become the physical reincarnation of George Harrison while George was still alive, shouted "Hurrah."

posted 17 April 2002 01:05 PM            

Harry Hill, 56, son of the late, great Benny and a most accomplished light entertainer in his own right, has many more strings to his bow than mere televisual buffoonery. Harry is a fully qualified dentist who once removed a painful incisor from Neville Chamberlain. Thumbing his nose at convention, he sat on a pie for over twenty four hours in the early eighties, earning a hundred kilos of flour for a recession-hit local bakery and a place in the Guinness Book of Records. Then, on the bleakest midwinter day of 1995, Harry bounded into a Cleethorpes fish and chip shop, elbowed the astonished owner to one side and deep fried three copies of The Daily Telegraph. Hauled up before the local beak, Harry revealed that his unusual behaviour was the result of a newsprint related protein deficiency and he was appointed rector of the Humberside Institute of Hats.

David Beckham, 37, the midfield maestro whose broken foot has led to weeping and wailing the entire length and breadth of Torquay, is using his enforced absence to tour Britain's canals with several huge balls of string. David has a terrible fear of getting lost somewhere on the extensive waterway network and missing an important game. Accordingly, he emerges each afternoon from his canalside cottage, ties one end of a fresh ball of twine to his door knocker, climbs into his purple and pink powerboat, 'Podge III' - a wedding present from his best man, Aaron Neville, 74 - and sets off on a new route, unravelling the string as he goes. Thus David hopes to eventually link the entire navigable network with a veritable cat's cradle of twine, all leading back to his own front door and eliminating any chance of his missing a vital cup tie.

posted 18 April 2002 07:17 AM            

Matthew Corbett, 33, formerly the wind beneath the wings of top television puppet, Sooty, 40, has become convinced that by jumping backwards and forwards across the international date line he will live forever. Sky News weatherperson, Francis Wilson, 18, has published a pamphlet detailing several scientifically valid objections but Matthew is determined that not even that will stand in his way. Having sold all rights to the comical antics of the hard to hear bear to a City pension fund, Matthew now resides permanently on a converted Hoseasons houseboat anchored above the line and swaps Sooty memorabilia for food from passing cruise ships.

Helena Bonham Carter, 18, the radiant big screen beauty was found as a newborn baby in a cornflake box on the steps of the Radio City Music Hall in New York, which was that evening hosting the inauguration of the Heavy Rock Hall of Fame. Accordingly, the staff named the surprisingly cheerful infant after the first four inductees - Page, Plant, Bonham and Carter (U.S.M.) - and she was adopted by Led Zeppelin. When the band split up, somewhat acrimoniously, and put her back in the box, she dropped Page and Plant for the more cinema-friendly Helena. (U.S.M.) is reserved for legal documents. A recent move by a happily reconciled Jimmy Page and Robert Plant to re-adopt Helena has been rebuffed.

posted 18 April 2002 02:31 PM         

and yet we have to put up with "Two Pints of Lager" and the suchlike on BBC etc etc

posted 18 April 2002 02:48 PM            

Max Clifford, 35, the biggest beast in the public relations jungle, has taken on a project that will tax to the limit even his incomparable skills. Saddam Hussain, 41, sick and tired of his negative image which he believes cost him his presenting gig on the Mickey Mouse Club, has hired Max to reposition him in a more favourable light. Max began by taking a razor to Saddam's slightly sinister moustache and then flew Hello magazine to his Baghdad palace for a soft focus photo shoot in which the Iraqi potentate donned cardigan and slippers, puffed at a pipe, sang "Magic Moments" while stroking a puppy and showed off his huge collection of chemical toilets. Phase three is unfolding on two fronts - charity work and nightlife. Saddam is co-hosting a pro-celebrity golf day at Sunningdale with Ronnie Corbett, 81, to raise money for a local orphanage and he is now regularly snapped squiring game show hostesses around the London club scene. Max is quietly pleased with results so far - a recent survey showed Saddam to be more popular than Ant and Dec - but he realises there is still a long way to go.

Bobby Robson, 106, the much travelled and much loved soccer boss who is so absent minded that he forgot where he lived for four years and wandered around the Iberian peninsula tugging at the coats of strangers, has now so enthralled the whole of Newcastle with his entertaining and successful brand of football that the local authority has granted him a very special freedom of the city. On Tuesday and Thursday afternoons, Bobby - armed with a fishing net on a long pole - tours the 'toon' in a carriage pulled by club apprentices and he is allowed to keep anything he can scoop up from shop front displays and street traders. Most days he ends up with nothing more valuable than a pile of fruit and veg and some loose change from buskers' caps but on one day last month, when a fire caused a jeweller to pile his stock on the pavement, Bobby collected nearly a hundred thousand pounds worth of rings and watches.

posted 18 April 2002 07:39 PM            

Pablo Picasso, 27, was voted the most varacious lover in Bridlington during his short stay in the Autumn of 1952. Cheeky Pablo was spotted leaving the dormitories of at least three young girls housed at St. Polyunsaturates School for the blessed over a seven week period. Unfortunately not all of Bridlingtons locals were enamoured of the Spanish Lothario and his holiday had to be cut short by several days following an incident outside a nightclub.

Charlie Parker, 27, tiny musician and salesman had such an inccredible lung capacity that the power of his suction caused him to entirely swallow seventeen woodwind instruments (including five flutes) over his twelve week career. Infact Charlies seemingly continual devouring of this musical family lead to a cartain panchant, he could often be seen towards his latter days nibling on penny-whistles or licking a recorder.

Lesley Crowther, 27, famed for a gigantic high dive back in the twelth century never actually existed . The 'Top of the Pops' frontman was an invention of the London Times created to bolster the popularity of a flagging all urchin band which the Times had invested a lot of time and effort into. Crowther himself became a massive hit, himself releasing many singles and four highly acclaimed albums before The Times finally had him killed off in a freak albatros accident.

posted 18 April 2002 08:21 PM            

David Coleman, 81, the quite remarkable sports commentator whose whimsical turn of phrase has accompanied some of the greatest moments in athletics, football and sheepdog trialling, is returning to competitive action this year after receiving an offer he couldn't refuse from the B.B.C. benevolent fund. David is to run in the Chicago marathon dressed as an oversized novelty key and should he complete the course in under three hours and forty minutes he will be inserted into a similarly proportioned novelty lock which, when opened, will disgorge skywards a million balloons (sponsored by Hertz) each carrying David's bank account details and a polite request for cash. An almost identical scheme conducted in 1995 to aid Dan Maskell raised almost five hundred dollars and David's returns are projected to be much higher.

Celine Dion, 42, the fabulous French-Canadian chanteuse whose hair is so shiny and lustrous that she must wear a tweed bathing cap when nearing airports so as not to reflect light dangerously into the eyes of incoming pilots, is one of North America's foremost cloud sculptors. Celine hangs around on hilltops on overcast days waiting for a suitably sized specimen to float into range then she captures it in a special viscous container and sets to work with her sculpting tools, creating representations of anything from a butterfly to an aircraft carrier. A cloud shaped by Celine to depict the mormon tabernacle choir was the highlight of the Salt Lake City Olympic opening ceremony and the chances are that if you gaze skywards and spot something that looks quite like a bear then Celine will have had something to do with it. It is rumoured that Sky News weatherperson Francis Wilson, 29, has the biggest collection of Celine's clouds still in private hands.

posted 18 April 2002 09:17 PM            

Dennis Norden, 27, is so reveered in Costa Rica that the locals there voted to rename their only surviving mountain after his outsized beak. Nordens fame in this part of the World came about due to his repatriation in 1964 to this, his home land, and his consequent winning of the New York sheep shearing competiton the following year.

posted 19 April 2002 07:06 AM            

Sally James, 32, the first and undoubtedly the greatest of an increasingly tedious string of children's TV babettes, who, with her thigh high leather boots and wispy mini-dresses, drew more dads than lads to Saturday morning's 'Tiswas', is now Emeritus Professor of Particle Physics at Heidelburg University. Sally, daughter of the late 'Carry On' funnyman, Sid, quit television in the early eighties when a Black and White Minstrel stole her Maltesers and she took a research post at the Stanford linear accelerator, impressing all there with her immediate grasp of complex formulae and pretty smile. Sally's ride along the avenues of academe shows no sign of slowing down but some colleagues have expressed concern that the lure of the greasepaint may be once again exerting a pull, particularly since her recent audition for the Emma Peel role in the Avengers sequel.

Gary Lineker, 54, the glory-laden goal poacher of yesteryear whose soccer successes were only slightly sullied by an appaling disciplinary record (he twice hectored a tardy ballboy), is now a team captain on the popular DSS benefit fraud panel game, 'They Think It's a Loafer'. During a recent recording, while he and resident team comic Alastair Darling, 28, were feeling a single mother, a crack unit of Israeli marines parasailed into the studio, quite unnecessarily shot witty host Nick Hancock, 72, in the groin and bundled Gary into a sack. Within the day, Gary was in Tel Aviv, strapped to a chair and being quizzed about his part in a Lebanese supermarket hold-up. Fortunately, the unhappy matter was quickly resolved. An elderly witness had in fact identified a life size promotional cardboard Gary as one of the robbers and the footy legend chuckled all the way home.

posted 19 April 2002 03:44 PM            

Hugh Grant, 52, whose engaging diffidence and floppy hair make him Britain's premier screen heart-throb, was once motoring down the M4 juggling a sausage roll, a coffee and a hot apple pie when he had a very lucrative brainwave. He had envisioned a solution to the busy person's greatest problem - how to eat a multi-item meal while driving. Hugh's idea took two years to fully evolve, during which time he took a crash course in manufacturing technology and raised venture capital in the Far East, but when he eventually unveilled his device, incorporating a series of voice activated robotic arms and an innovative range of spill-free containers, at Atlanta's 'Food On The Go' Trade Fair, it wowed representatives of the major manufacturers. The "Hands Free Hughmatic" is set to become standard in all luxury cars by 2004.

Jeremy Clarkson, 24, the shaggy and ebullient caravanning enthusiast who made "Top Gear" the popular minority interest programme it is, will shortly be visiting a big top near you with his wildly successful one-man trapeze extravaganza. Previously only seen in Latin America because of insurance problems, a new deal with Sardinian Last Resort means that Europe can finally see a show described by the Hunduran Daily Register's circus correspondent as "...the most unbelievable night of my life!" Jeremy, thought to be the only man alive still performing the death defying quadruple back flip into the unreliable catching hands of a Pringles tin, is also padding out the show with a range of small animals where local council by-laws permit.

posted 19 April 2002 03:51 PM            

Sorry can't compete with Marcus and you lot..you're toooooo gooood....